Mutually Assured Destruction

America and North Korea are technically still at war. It has been boiled down from a live conflict that cost tens of thousands of lives in the 1950's to your basic post cold war nuclear stand off mine fields for borders kind of thing. The acronym for a nuclear stand off is M.A.D {see title}. The principle doesn't work if one of the actors in this stalemate actually is mad which is not good news considering that the North Korean President Kim Jong I11 boasts of retiring from golf after getting a hole in one for every hole on his first round. Now that's what I call crazy golf. On top of this the old cold war conflict is heating up again. Hilary Clinton fired a back hander across the bows at a meeting of foreign ministers in Thailand in response to recent nuclear testing from North Korea.

" Maybe it's... the experience that I've had with small children and unruly teenagers and people who are demanding attention - don't give it to them, they don't deserve it, they are acting out". she said.

If she seems blase about another batch of nuclear bombs in the world remember her nation do have over ten thousand of them, Naturally the North Korean ministry of insults had to strike back.

"Her words suggest that she is by no means intelligent. We cannot but regard Mrs Clinton as a funny lady....... Sometimes she looks like a primary schoolgirl and sometimes a pensioner going shopping.

If the boys at the insult ministry seem to be losing their touch remember they are working to tough quotas on a daily basis. Specifically on the South Korean President, Lee Myung Bak. A report by the Seoul Government recorded that Mr Lee was personally insulted by Pyongyang 1,705 times from the start of the year to June 22: an average of 9.9 times a day compared with 7.9 times daily last year.

The most interesting aspect of this story is that the South Koreans have been recording all these insults and compiling a report on the subject. Why? and what will happen when they get 2000 is Lee Myung Bak finally going to break down and cry. He has feelings you know.

Round up of Strange News

Making use of the element of surprise and the unexpected was a theme in today’s international news. David Milliband MP, the British Foreign Minister, who has absolutely no military experience whatsoever, was used by the administration to make a comment on morning T.V. with regards military strategy. This bold move was followed by the even bolder comment that equipment was not the answer in Afghanistan. He stated that: ‘We’re not going to be able to do our mission in Afghanistan through tanks and helicopters alone.’’ Unfortunately the British government are also sending fewer troops than the army requested so they probably won’t be able to ‘do’ the mission with troops either. So if you take out equipment and troops…. you’re left with rations. Force feeding the enemy is a somewhat surprising tactic for a military offensive but.. British food being what it is?

One military that will be relieved to hear that equipment is not the answer is the Indian. After a deregulation on equipment purchase rules the Indian army have invested in ‘Dhruv helicopters that can fly to a height of only 5,000 metres (16,400ft) — well short of the 6,500 metres required to patrol the Himalayan battlefields. Thousands of Russian-made heavy artillery shells that do not fire… and the Northern Command, which oversees Kashmir, bought stretchers that were unsuitable for evacuating combat casualties.’A stretcher unsuitable for evacuating combat casualties really is a bit of a lemon, I guess they can always be used as hammocks in peace time. I would say that someone saw them coming but that surely is not possible as the Indian army also spent ‘10 million rupees (£127,000) on silent reconnaissance vehicles for missions beyond enemy lines’. Unfortunately it was revealed that these were in fact ‘22 golf buggies, several of which were deployed to patrol the army’s Shivalik Golf Course in Chandigarh.’ Yes well…there is a daring logic here after all if you are doing reconnaissance behind enemy lines the last thing they will expect is for you to turn up in a golf buggy.

Speaking of unexpected Trojan horses. ‘He was here because he thought this was the last place they would look for him,"said Sabine Haddad, a spokeswoman for the Israeli Interior Ministry. She was of course referring to Micky Mayon and American neo-nazi and suspected member of the Klu Klux Klan who had gone to Tel Aviv on the lamb. Apparently he had already been kicked out of the N.A.A.C.P. central office, for loitering. Why he didn’t stick with the traditional under a white sheet surrounded by lots of the people under white sheets tactic for hiding, employed by cowardly, pathetic, impotent American racists for centuries is still a mystery however racists aren’t famous for their intelligence, surprisingly.

Finally a man named Hogg who breeds… pigs…. of all things, has got so tired of waiting for the Irish Department of Agriculture to pay him compensation after he had to destroy a contaminated herd last year that he is doing the last thing they expected. He is suing himself. Actually he is suing his own firm to be precise. You see Hogg owns Hogg’s Hogs. Hogg’s Hogs bought feed from, well I think their called ‘The Hogg Feed Company that Hogg’s Hogs Feed On Ltd.’ Anyway this feed company is also owned by Hogg and he is suing them because they, that is he, sold him, that is he himself, a batch of feed that contaminated the hogs at Hogg’s Hogs and therefore they, that is he, is guilty of breach of contract, to himself. In this way he imagines he will get the compensation he so richly deserves, though somehow not from himself. Anyway the upshot is Hogg believes the ministry are playing ‘hardball’ and so he decided to play hardball back although now it kind of looks like he is just playing with himself.

All news stories courtesy of The Times.

News

Television has long been attacked by the great and good for shortening attention spans, morphing peoples’ eyes into a square shapes {no evidence} and one channel has even been accused by American singer Beck as making him want to smoke crack, of course even crack makes you want to smoke crack so I don’t see his point. Now the Indian Health and Family Welfare Minister claims that it can not only be used to ruin society but indeed to end it, or at least slow it down in the rural areas of India. Yes with the risk of doing himself or rather his successor out of a job the Family Welfare Minister believes late night T.V. is the answer to having fewer families. The Minister Mr Azad, insists : If there is electricity in every village, then people will watch TV till late at night and then fall asleep. They won’t get a chance to produce children,”
Obviously he’s not a morning person. Mr Azad went on to say: “Don’t think that I am saying this in a lighter vein. I am serious. TV will have a great impact. It’s a great medium to tackle the problem . . . 80 per cent of population growth can be reduced through TV.”
Where he gets the figure of 80% from is a mystery. Presumbably he believes 8 out ten conceptions are the result of people having nothing better to do and I thought it was more like 100%.

The Human Body. Part 1 The Smell;

"Deodorant research, its the pits" says nobel prize winner


Most living organisms give off a smell whether intentionally or unintentionally. Some animals use scent as an aid to sexual courtship, some use it as a deterrent to predators. The human being is possibly uniquely cursed in nature by having a smell that is an aid to predators and a deterrent to sexual courtship. Humans greatly dislike the smell of other humans and to a lesser extent themselves.

The secretion known as sweat is one of the body’s main tools to regulate its temperature. When sweat evaporates from the skin it removes excess heat. When bacteria on the skin and hair metabolise the proteins and fatty acids in sweat they produce an unpleasant odour. As a result of finding the odour this secretion gives off completely repellent, humans are obliged by social understanding and indeed by law in the American state of Mississippi to keep up a sufficient level of personal hygiene and scent application. As almost any physical activity results in this secretion also known as ‘sweat’ being released this process of washing and scenting is a constant and thankless struggle. It is however essential. In going to work and from work and working human beings will invariably be in close proximity with other humans. If the scent of a person’s body odour is detected in a closed environment it can cause other humans to experience huge discomfort. Firstly their eyes may water, a simulation of the crying technique humans employ to show real misery, the human may then start to feel weak and light headed and start to gasp oxygen into the system erratically as if trying to stock up on any clean air that may be left in their vicinity. If the scent is combined with gas emissions from other human orifices, a highly likely event given the amount of gas humans have to expel on a regular basis, this can make the other humans in the bus/train/office feel physically ill, and disorientated close to the point of collapse. Note in any group of humans larger than say 10 it is quite likely that at least one in the group has a particularly strong odour. It is possible this person is unaware of how badly their stench affects those around them having become somewhat immune to its effects, this only compounds the problem they create and such people must be avoided in closed environments at all costs.
As nose and mouth are the only means of inhaling oxygen, the human body has no means of blocking out unwanted air borne stenches for any serious length of time. The only question is in which way they should enter the body.

Coping Strategies:

Breathe through your mouth.

Avoid large and overweight humans as they secrete more sweat than others in general.

Avoid using public conveyances on a hot day; as sweat is used to cool the body more of it will be created in hot temperatures.

Carry a hand towel and deodorant with you everywhere you go to remove the smell of your own odour and also carry a gas mask about your person to filter your inhalation of oxygen to remove the smell of others.

Irreparably damage your nose in order to remove your sense of smell completely. Note while the sense of smell is rarely a benefit or necessary to humans it is a major component of their sense of taste which can be extremely pleasurable and useful and so this method would by and large be very counterproductive.