Intelligent Design Faults

Has Radiohead's music evolved to suit Thom's dancing.

2011-03-02T05:48:00.000-08:00

Strange News on the Housing Benefit Cap

2010-10-29T06:49:00.000-07:00

Boris Johnson has refused to stand by his revelation that mass murder and the use of rape as a weapon are being planned in the British government's 'Kosovo style social cleansing' of London.

Mr Johnson said he was quoted out of context, the said context being a grip on reality.

Despite these allegations one landlord has come out in defence of the governments policy.

Mr Barrington-Smyth said: "I work really hard in the city and for what, my cleaner lives in a house almost as big as mine, in fact it is as big as mine because I rent her family the top floor. That costs her £22,000 a year. That's £22,000 of my hard earned money that goes to the government to go to her to give back to me. It's like some people don't have to contribute to society at all."

Strange News from Party Conference Season

2010-10-06T04:35:00.000-07:00

The Lib Dems

The Liberal Democrat conference was barely noticed even though they are in power. Gaining a place in government is clearly not enough to make people take any notice of them, perhaps faking a kid-napping of their front bench would help. You only miss your water when the well runs dry.

Biggest applause of the conference went to Vince Cable for a speech attacking free-market capatalism. Even though Nick Clegg won them power in a coalition with the free-market capatalist Tory party. Apparently the Lib Dems won't vote for a government that would have them as a member.

Labour

The Labour Party conference was massively improved by Gordon Brown not being leader anymore. To add to the excitement a new leader was being announced so they weren't going to let a budget deficit bring them down. The tag-line could have been 'Labour- We are willing to pretend Gordon Brown and a massive financial crisis did not happen.... are you?'

Ed Miliband was chosen as party leader, and the press immediately called him a communist because of his love of the colour red. This also meant David Miliband, the party's best politician and most connected statesmen {Hilary Clinton will be crying as I write this} had to leave the conference and the shadow cabinet, taking the media scrum with him in order to avoid distracting the media scrum from his brother.

Biggest applause of the conference went to David M. for a speech applauding his brother.

Conservative

The Tory party conference started in exhilirating and imaginative confusion, big ideas were stated, then floated, then mooted, then reversed, then reversed from reversal but off-set by other ideas that they won't talk about in case they have to reverse them before they have even counter-reversed the intial idea they brought in thus reversing the off-setting power of the idea they used to help reverse the ensuing back-lash from their first reversal.

It took the Tories just days to work out which way they were facing again and in the meantime they used up all of their air time desperately trying to not answer questions or throw up.

George Osborne's speech made waves in all directions. His policy so far is to save our children's financial future by cutting the deficit which he will do by taking away money from our children.

NBA VS Premier League

2010-08-07T05:23:00.000-07:00

This is a cross post between myself and billylayman@blogspot.com on the NBA vs the Premier League. His well intentioned piece of hippy propaganda in favour of the NBA is below, my embittered rant is below that.

Bill says:

I love the Premier League but you silly English bumpkins have made some crucial errors. We need to look at our clever-dick pals in the US to see how an entertaining and fair professional sports league is really run.

Salary caps, it seems embarrassingly obvious, are better. Next year there are two or three teams that could win the Premier League. Fine. But the problem is that won’t change unless another club is lucky enough to be purchased by a gizzilionaire.

A salary cap means equality across the league. There would still be great clubs and terrible clubs but the difference would be the terrible clubs have nothing to hide behind. Players are less likely to be sucked up by the top teams. And, best off all, no matter what shit-house club you support it’s only a few well managed years away from glory.

There are some horrendous things about the NBA – national anthems and fireworks before every game – but overall it’s a more enjoyable competition to follow.

If you were designing a league from scratch it would be on the NBA model. Sure, there are difficulties in bringing in salary caps. As there would be with other possible improvements like a draft system but that doesn’t mean the league wouldn’t be improved by it.

Not only would a salary cap fix football it would cure all of England’s social problems. Teams would exist on an even playing field and we would all finally live in a beautiful socialist paradise.

I say:

For some reason a non-contact height competition became one of America's favourite sports. Basketball is a sport that developed from pure boredom and didn't develop that far.

When bored one might absent-mindedly toss a paper ball into the bin, we wouldn't say that made us athletes. When at school some of the crueller and taller members of the playground might play piggy in the middle or rather the you-can't-reach-the-item-I-have-stolen-from-you-because-I-am-holding-above-your-head-and-look-I-can-even-afford-to-throw-it-to-my-equally-freakishly-tall-friend game. Didn't make them clever.

Combine the two and you have the start of basketball. Now add a set of rules each designed to increase the score without adding anything to the pleasure of watching. A game that makes even scoring numbingly repetitive has gone seriously wrong somewhere. You can't pass back behind the line, you can't spend six seconds in the D, you can't touch anyone else, we all have to get time-outs when we're tired, all right already auntie what's next a bike helmet for every player, thermos and blankets for us watching.

The Premier League is an open no-holds-barred market of sporting perfection exported all round the world to the delight of every nation. It's the magic of battle between men wearing leather, using brains, needing balls and taking deadly shots, it's basically the wild west without the dry heat. The NBA on the other hand is like modern LA, pernickety yet bankrupt, crass yet pretentious, with a field of play so over-crowded you can't tell the difference between parked cars and a commuter lane.

More Mistakes From U.K.I.P.

2010-04-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

http://timesonline.typepad.com/comment/2010/04/lord-pearson-worst-campaign-interview-ever.htmle

Hahahahahahahahahahahah.

Sigh.

Following on from the scandal over their racist candidate U.K.I.P. are fighting back with this. Please link above.

Hat tip. Times Comment Central, The B.B.C. and Youtube.

Real Politics: Alive, well and wearing just a little bit of blusher.

2010-04-01T03:01:00.000-07:00

Publish and {hopefully} be damned.

2010-03-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

When we started this blog we agreed there was no point in criticising individual religions and religious individuals however…

It has to be said the Catholic Church has outdone itself. Famous throughout the ages for inspiring the genocide of natives in South America and torturing anyone with an opinion in Europe now a new generation of merciless bastards has managed to represent this international stain on civilisation and incredibly bring it to a new low. I cannot say I am a disinterested party; I was baptised, I went to Catholic school {and survived no thanks to God} and my name, Dominic, was given to me in honour of a saint, specifically a man who tried his best to kill every heathen in the South of France.

The Catholic Church is the state religion of the banana republic called the Vatican City, one of the few countries where known paedophiles can find sanctuary. Its dictator in chief is elected in a smoke filled room by a cartel, safe in the knowledge they are protected by a hired militia of Swiss Guards { is there anyone the Swiss wont do business with} and two millennia of powerful patronage. Their most recent case to answer: an international conspiracy that attempted to cover up the rape and torture of children by their Priests and Bishops.

One of the men responsible for this is none other than his Holiness himself. The Pope. Once Joseph Ratzinger.

Little Joey Ratzinger, who was once a member of the Nazi Youth, distinguishes himself by being part of not one but two of the most evil groups ever to exist. While he may have been innocent of being a Nazi, he went out of his way to make sure the same cannot be said of his being a Catholic and his part in Catholicism.
Hat Tip Christopher Hitchens at Slate:

“ In 1979, an 11-year-old German boy identified as Wilfried F. was taken on a vacation trip to the mountains by a priest. After that, he was administered alcohol, locked in his bedroom, stripped naked, and forced to suck the penis of his confessor. (Why do we limit ourselves to calling this sort of thing "abuse"?) The offending cleric was transferred from Essen to Munich for "therapy" by a decision of then-Archbishop Joseph Ratzinger, and assurances were given that he would no longer have children in his care. But it took no time for Ratzinger's deputy, Vicar General Gerhard Gruber, to return him to "pastoral" work, where he soon enough resumed his career of sexual assault.”

Not enough for you. How about this. Arch Bishop Ratzinger was placed in charge of the department formally known as the Inquisition. In May 2001 he issued a confidential letter to every bishop.

I quote Hitchens again:

“He reminded them of the extreme gravity of a certain crime, that crime was the reporting of the rape and torture. The accusations, intoned Ratzinger, were only treatable within the church's own exclusive jurisdiction. Any sharing of the evidence with legal authorities or the press was utterly forbidden. Charges were to be investigated "in the most secretive way ... restrained by a perpetual silence ... and everyone ... is to observe the strictest secret which is commonly regarded as a secret of the Holy Office … under the penalty of excommunication." Nobody has yet been excommunicated for the rape and torture of children, but exposing the offence could get you into serious trouble…. (See, for more on this appalling document, two reports in the London Observer of April 24, 2005, by Jamie Doward.)”

It makes me sick to my stomach to think my family ever put a penny in a collection plate to fund this monster's comfort, security and thoroughly debased institution.

The question ‘how do you sleep at night’ is a cliché but in this case it has literal and concrete meaning. Seriously how? I learnt from a pathetic Guardian G2 feature on him he doesn’t even drink, much. The same feature asked euphemistically if he was the most ‘controversial pope’. Controversial, no, taking baths with your socks on is controversial. This man is pure evil. No matter how much cats might like him. Cats do like him apparently. As Saki pointed they are one of the few animals that, like humans, enjoy torturing other animals. So you can understand what they might see in him.

This article is still awaiting approval from Sharon Dean and does not represent her opinion. Although she may well agree.

Patriotism

2010-03-18T07:44:00.000-07:00

"My country, right or wrong" is a thing no patriot would ever think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, drunk or sober."

G.K. Chesterton

I will always say "My mother drunk or sober", but I will never say it to her.

Patriotism is an interesting problem. Capitalism is a functioning system of wealth creation that simply needs democracy, the rule of law and a bit of common sense to work well. It also helps to have competing markets to really get going. This is why I think nation states, apart from any ethnic parochialism, work well. They ensure a common competitive ground and protective structure for the pursuit of wealth.

Of course pursuing wealth is not the same as pursuing happiness. Happiness is helped by a sense of community and culture, {although this also creates a lot of unhappiness}. This again suggests that countries, and national identities, are a positive institution designed to protect us from poverty and simultaneously enrich our soul.

Being proud of a country helps foster happiness rather than cynicism, less crime, less pollution, less corruption and better sports teams.

So why do countries and patriotism cause so much war, aggression, and hatred. Is it because patriotism leads to nationalism and then to racism. I don’t think it's that simple. But I must say I prefer the British sense of national cynicism to the more American sense of national pride. Partly because it helps progress.

My policy is you should never let people know just how much you need them. It's not good for you and it's not good for them. Same goes with a country. By all means defend it from any attacks but don’t go buying it flowers for no reason, writing it soppy poetry and telling it how much better it is than all the other countries. Pretty soon it will take advantage of your pathetic neediness.

I think Americans find it hard to change anything about their country because they feel the need to demonstrably love it so much. Just like no one wants to tell their lover they really need to lose a bit of weight.

But remember America; the best parts of the constitution are the amendments. So please US, for your own sake, pass universal healthcare legislation.

And don’t be angry at Obama, the truth is, someone had to tell you to lose a few pounds.

The Brand Factor

2010-03-10T03:53:00.000-08:00

The blogosphere is always full of amusing little in-fights that remind me of happier days spent in the playground having my close family insulted and of course responding in kind.

[For the record I would like to say to a certain K. that it is in fact you who are so ugly you give Freddie Kruger nightmares and consequently I imagine any girlfriend you now have, who is charitable enough to sleep with you, is so fat that when she goes camping the bears have to hide their food.
Some wounds never heal.]

Anyways,

Over on Comment Central, one of my favourite blogs, Danny Finkelstein is having an argument with Janet Daley about the Tory brand.

Mr Finkelstein believes the Tory brand was corrupted and consequently David Cameron's modernisation project was a necessity. He cites polling evidence that suggests people are more likely to support a policy on say immigration if it was not associated with the Tories.

Ms Daley seems to disagree with the idea the Tories needed to modernise and has headlined a response to these polls with the insinuation that they are misleading and thus 'New Tory' is a mistake.

I am sure Mr Finkelstein is right about this. I think he effectively wins the debate by citing those small public polls called the last three general elections. If you're out of power for so long it's probably because people don't like you. Any government given more than one term will probably do enough to be voted out given a half decent opposition.

The interesting aspect to this debate on how much people dislike the Tories, is the power of brands.

It reminded me of two things.

Firstly a conversation I had with a friend who works in P.R. who told me that 'Virgin' was an example of near perfect P.R. branding. Most people in Britian like Richard Branson. We like him because we think he is a boy 'done good'. We don't resent him for being rich and allegedly having his own Island with an outdoor toilet that faces the Pacific. Fair enough we say.

The result of the Virgin brand means the company doesn't actually have to provide any better service than its competitors as anyone who has travelled on, or waited for, Virgin rail may already know. Because people like Virgin they buy it regardless of whether it tastes any better, moves any faster, or provides a better deal.

The second thing I thought of was another point by Mr Finkelstein in a post about the Damien McBride/ Derek Draper scandal {link below} and Labour's reprehensible 'Red Flag' website.

Mr Finkelstein pointed out that sometimes people who feel morally superior often allow the ends to justify the means. And so perhaps Labour were behaving so badly because they were up against the 'nasty party'.

The moral of this story is don't believe your own or anyone elses P.R.. It ruins the proper competition we need as citizens and consumers to ensure we get the best service, value and representation.

The Many Mistakes of U.K.I.P.

2010-02-26T04:03:00.000-08:00

The label below is a link to the B.B.C.'s news website where you will see Nigel Farage the leader of the U.K. Independence Party in, as Martin Amiss might say 'eagerly ungenerous' form.

UKIP is a strange phenomenom. One cant call UKIP members euro sceptics, scepticism implies some kind of disinterested, rational consideration of the facts. Ukip are Euro haters plain and simple. It website states an 'increasingly resentful English nationalism (is also) brewing''. And lucky for UKIP it is because this is of course where it gets all its support. Now I like to think of myself as a libertarian, (with a social conscience) and a believer in the free market so in many ways I should be against the European Union for being an oversized beurocracy that likes to micro-manage people's lives. And indeed were it not for the fact that it has helped secure peace and democracy across the world's formerly most dangerous continent, increase prosperity across said continent and bring some of the best human rights gaurantees we have into English law, I probably would be against the E.U.. However I think we can all be distrustful of a movement based on 'resentful nationalism'. Another lesson Europe has taught us.

So ukip are a party of rather rediculous contradictions. It hates Europe, but its only elected representatives (13 btw not that I'm superstitious) of the British people are MEP's. These MEP's then do nothing but sit around being rude to the rest of the E.U. parliament and vote no on everything by the looks of it. The party claims to 'reject the ''blood and soil'' ethnic nationalism of extremist parties'. It also 'opposes 'multiculturalism and political correctness and promotes uniculturalism, a single British culture embracing all races, religions and colours.' However it then goes on to state in the 'Restoring Britishness Policy' section of its website that: 'All cultures, languages and traditions from around the British Isles such as gealic, would be celebrated.'
So that a uniculture of many cultures. And all of those cultures have to come from around the British Isles and from historically British peoples. Sounds a bit like 'blood and soil' to me but what do I know. Maybe its more like d.n.a and geography. Or..
Ukip also states in its constitution: 'On withdrawal from the E.U. the party will seek free trade agreements with E.U. and other countries (and/or trade blocks).' However it also states to restore Britishness it would 'create a "British Register" of important companies, products and brands and amend the takeover code to safegaurd these through parliamentary approvals and/or conditions where necessary'. Right so that's free trade as long as we are allowed to keep all the best parts of our economy in a locked box of protectionism. Works for me. I cant see why any of the countries we trade with would have a problem with that.
Ukip aren't just conservatives they are knee-jerk, nationalist, populist conservatives. They are above all a bit weird. If ever elected to government, after giving more money to our poor royal family, they would ( I am not making this up) 'require the U.K theme medley to be restored to B.B.C. Radio 4.' Serious stuff.
Finally back to the link. Ukip considers good manners to be part of being British. These good manners clearly don't extend to foreigners. In the clip you can see Farage berate the new E.U. President for having the charisma of a 'damp rag', for coming from a non-country, Belgium to be precise, (one might guess that to Mr Farage, Britian is the only country worth coming from, and only losers wouldn't come from it) and for not being a greater celebrity. 'Who are you?' he asks. Perhaps Mr Farage was expecting someone more like Bono or David Beckham. Unfortunately he got a European politician.
I think Farage could learn from the words of another great British nincompoop. In the words of the immortal Basil Fawlty:
'I didn't vote for it myself but now we're in I'm determined to make it work.'
Just don't mention the.. too late.

Just so you know...

2010-02-25T10:30:00.000-08:00

..this is how genetics works.

Hat tip (not that I wear hats) Comment Central.

Happy New Year

2010-01-11T12:10:00.000-08:00

January is the cruellest month. Every January people make great expectations of improved fitness, high hopes of greater prosperity and laudable aims of extinguishing vices and nurturing the buds of happiness. Why? Soon you will have wasted money on a gym you resent and avoid like an ex-fiance, money you sorely needed because your boss is making belt tightening noises and the only consolation is that you can save money on belts because you have to inhale to fit into your trousers. Those buds of happiness are frozen by a cold snap that lasts just long enough for your boiler to explode and it will be the height of Summer before anyone can find a part to fix it. Where do they keep all these boiler parts, does Siberia have them all, are they holding out on us, are they made from metals only found in the Earth's core.
We all have high hopes for the new year born mainly out of our need to escape from the cold pit of reality we have just crawled through otherwise known as Christmas with the in-laws. The arbitrary division we make between one year and the next is an opportunity for yet more disappointment, alcoholism and self-loathing. Which is why it actually suits me to the ground. So in the belated spirit of what I like to call the suicide season let me be the last to wish you a happy new year. You have lived long enough to see another decade raise the spectre of its zeitgeist and win or lose in the year to come you can say with a glass aloft for the sake of the only true success being alive affords; 'I was there.'

Is Oprah proof of God or like religion has she had her day?

2009-11-26T15:02:00.000-08:00

Here at Faults we don’t like to appear closed minded. So occasionally we have to give a token gesture to the other side. We decided to discuss whether the case of a woman who rose from rags to riches simply by being a good person is proof of God or that we should just quit while we are ahead.

Sharon: Oprah has achieved many things some may even say she is an inspiration but that doesn’t change the fact that she should have stopped the Oprah Winfrey chat show back in 1998 when she received her lifetime achievement award.

Dom: Sharon, the people still need her.

But after that it was mainly DIY and makeover shows; do the viewers really need to know how to put up a shelf?

What about her book club she got people reading and some of those books were pretty good?

That’s a good point what books did she recommend that you enjoyed?

I don’t have one that springs to mind. ‘The Reader’ has some major flaws but it’s not all together a bad book.

Ok as much as I would love to spend my life talking about Oprah and her library of books, what about the point that she is now a bigger celebrity than most, if not all of her guests. When she started she was the peoples’ champ, we all could relate to her in some way. Now she is too busy worrying about offending her guests and then not being invited to the latest charity event. It’s a love in. Her show is about as ’real’ as the Oscars, with as penetrating an interview technique as Johnathan Ross’ interviews with his best mate in show-business Ricky Gervais.

Some of her recent interviews are the most infamous like the Tom Cruise. She asked him If he loved his fiancee and he jumped around on the furniture with his shoes still on, shouting “yes I’m in love” now if that doesn’t encapsulate the modern celebrity I don’t know what does. Plus her celebrities are being stalked, hunted, starved and exposed, more often than not the warm honey of Oprah’s voice is the only sugar they got that day.

Firstly what did Oprah actually do in that interview: she asked one simple question and that’s the response she got, proving something we already knew about Tom cruise, that he is crazy . Secondly sorry if I don’t feel sorry for all those celebrities with all their money going on Oprah to sell their many products. It’s no longer about interviewing there is so much product placement it’s more like watching a shopping channel. She also sold out politically because she always said that she would remain impartial that was until Obama came along and she had a chance to be involved in politics. What’s next for Oprah, starting her own religion?

I’m glad she stepped out and stepped up for Obama but if she invents her own religion she really will prove there is no god

The Three Blind Mice

2009-11-18T05:23:00.000-08:00

Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg are lost side-kicks in search of missing leaders.
British politics has become a battle between three blind leaders and their short sighted parties.

Tony Blair was to New Labour what Captain Kirk was to Star Trek, which makes Gordon Brown rather like Scotty. Kirk, like Blair, had a dashing yet casual style of government, and a perfect haircut. Either by charming the pants off foreigners or bravely leading boarding parties in reckless planetary invasions Blair and Kirk were brothers from another mother. Scotty meanwhile would answer every request from his Captain with an obstructing negative; ‘she won’t hold.’ You can picture him, or Brown, skulking around the dark engine room muttering to himself in the third person about how ‘it should have been Scotty.’ Without Blair New labour appears to have no bold plans to go anywhere. Not so much a sinking ship as a kind of reverse Marie Celeste; the mystery being why they’re all still on board. Their last claim to cult status left the big tent he created saying he was going for a walk and might be some time. Of course back then the political weather was only slightly overcast. Blair wasn’t doing a Captain Oates but Labour is now left freezing in what looks to be a long winter of discontent.
So enter the Tories right on cue. Like the sympathetic face of a sinister repo firm David Cameron intends to re-claim on a government that over-borrowed. In fact he’s already wearing Blair’s clothes, copying his shallow style while retaining none of his depth. Every time you see Cameron you half expect the writing underneath to simply detail the price of every item he’s wearing. When under any pressure Cameron cracks, reverting to the old political hacks trick of telling you not to trust the other side. Every time Cameron attempts to address the problems in his own party he seems to annoy everyone, just take a look at the old grammar school row or their relationships on Europe. Half the party want into Europe and half will sleep with semi-fascists to get out. His job is to be more bandage than man. A walking haircut sent in to hold the wounds of the Tory body politic together and in shot, long enough for their moment in history to be taken. His best comparison is with Poirot’s side-kick Captain Hastings. In looks and manner Cameron is reminiscent of that good-natured buffoon in the ITV series. The best you can say of Captain Hastings is that you don’t actually suspect him of committing the murder. This modest but no doubt important quality in a leader is an improvement on previous Tory offerings. But where is the moderniser with the iron and passion of Thatcher. Of course there isn’t one because for that you need to hold the project closer to your heart than your career prospects. It will be awhile before a young Tory cares as much about libertarianism and liberalism as Thatcher did about breaking the unions. For all the mistakes she made, they were her mistakes, not the result of incanting a shibboleth to get into power.
Then we have Nick Clegg trailing behind in every poll that remembered to put him in. He is really a side-kick to the other two. Clegg is a geography teacher that would under-whelm a class of year nines. As a national leader he seems faintly delusional. At his party conference he said he wanted to be Prime Minister. His party were so shocked he had to say it again. Like Robin in Batman films, he’s never missed when absent.

Mutually Assured Destruction

2009-07-29T00:52:00.000-07:00

America and North Korea are technically still at war. It has been boiled down from a live conflict that cost tens of thousands of lives in the 1950's to your basic post cold war nuclear stand off mine fields for borders kind of thing. The acronym for a nuclear stand off is M.A.D {see title}. The principle doesn't work if one of the actors in this stalemate actually is mad which is not good news considering that the North Korean President Kim Jong I11 boasts of retiring from golf after getting a hole in one for every hole on his first round. Now that's what I call crazy golf. On top of this the old cold war conflict is heating up again. Hilary Clinton fired a back hander across the bows at a meeting of foreign ministers in Thailand in response to recent nuclear testing from North Korea.

" Maybe it's... the experience that I've had with small children and unruly teenagers and people who are demanding attention - don't give it to them, they don't deserve it, they are acting out". she said.

If she seems blase about another batch of nuclear bombs in the world remember her nation do have over ten thousand of them, Naturally the North Korean ministry of insults had to strike back.

"Her words suggest that she is by no means intelligent. We cannot but regard Mrs Clinton as a funny lady....... Sometimes she looks like a primary schoolgirl and sometimes a pensioner going shopping.

If the boys at the insult ministry seem to be losing their touch remember they are working to tough quotas on a daily basis. Specifically on the South Korean President, Lee Myung Bak. A report by the Seoul Government recorded that Mr Lee was personally insulted by Pyongyang 1,705 times from the start of the year to June 22: an average of 9.9 times a day compared with 7.9 times daily last year.

The most interesting aspect of this story is that the South Koreans have been recording all these insults and compiling a report on the subject. Why? and what will happen when they get 2000 is Lee Myung Bak finally going to break down and cry. He has feelings you know.

Round up of Strange News

2009-07-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

Making use of the element of surprise and the unexpected was a theme in today’s international news. David Milliband MP, the British Foreign Minister, who has absolutely no military experience whatsoever, was used by the administration to make a comment on morning T.V. with regards military strategy. This bold move was followed by the even bolder comment that equipment was not the answer in Afghanistan. He stated that: ‘We’re not going to be able to do our mission in Afghanistan through tanks and helicopters alone.’’ Unfortunately the British government are also sending fewer troops than the army requested so they probably won’t be able to ‘do’ the mission with troops either. So if you take out equipment and troops…. you’re left with rations. Force feeding the enemy is a somewhat surprising tactic for a military offensive but.. British food being what it is?

One military that will be relieved to hear that equipment is not the answer is the Indian. After a deregulation on equipment purchase rules the Indian army have invested in ‘Dhruv helicopters that can fly to a height of only 5,000 metres (16,400ft) — well short of the 6,500 metres required to patrol the Himalayan battlefields. Thousands of Russian-made heavy artillery shells that do not fire… and the Northern Command, which oversees Kashmir, bought stretchers that were unsuitable for evacuating combat casualties.’A stretcher unsuitable for evacuating combat casualties really is a bit of a lemon, I guess they can always be used as hammocks in peace time. I would say that someone saw them coming but that surely is not possible as the Indian army also spent ‘10 million rupees (£127,000) on silent reconnaissance vehicles for missions beyond enemy lines’. Unfortunately it was revealed that these were in fact ‘22 golf buggies, several of which were deployed to patrol the army’s Shivalik Golf Course in Chandigarh.’ Yes well…there is a daring logic here after all if you are doing reconnaissance behind enemy lines the last thing they will expect is for you to turn up in a golf buggy.

Speaking of unexpected Trojan horses. ‘He was here because he thought this was the last place they would look for him,"said Sabine Haddad, a spokeswoman for the Israeli Interior Ministry. She was of course referring to Micky Mayon and American neo-nazi and suspected member of the Klu Klux Klan who had gone to Tel Aviv on the lamb. Apparently he had already been kicked out of the N.A.A.C.P. central office, for loitering. Why he didn’t stick with the traditional under a white sheet surrounded by lots of the people under white sheets tactic for hiding, employed by cowardly, pathetic, impotent American racists for centuries is still a mystery however racists aren’t famous for their intelligence, surprisingly.

Finally a man named Hogg who breeds… pigs…. of all things, has got so tired of waiting for the Irish Department of Agriculture to pay him compensation after he had to destroy a contaminated herd last year that he is doing the last thing they expected. He is suing himself. Actually he is suing his own firm to be precise. You see Hogg owns Hogg’s Hogs. Hogg’s Hogs bought feed from, well I think their called ‘The Hogg Feed Company that Hogg’s Hogs Feed On Ltd.’ Anyway this feed company is also owned by Hogg and he is suing them because they, that is he, sold him, that is he himself, a batch of feed that contaminated the hogs at Hogg’s Hogs and therefore they, that is he, is guilty of breach of contract, to himself. In this way he imagines he will get the compensation he so richly deserves, though somehow not from himself. Anyway the upshot is Hogg believes the ministry are playing ‘hardball’ and so he decided to play hardball back although now it kind of looks like he is just playing with himself.

All news stories courtesy of The Times.

News

2009-07-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

Television has long been attacked by the great and good for shortening attention spans, morphing peoples’ eyes into a square shapes {no evidence} and one channel has even been accused by American singer Beck as making him want to smoke crack, of course even crack makes you want to smoke crack so I don’t see his point. Now the Indian Health and Family Welfare Minister claims that it can not only be used to ruin society but indeed to end it, or at least slow it down in the rural areas of India. Yes with the risk of doing himself or rather his successor out of a job the Family Welfare Minister believes late night T.V. is the answer to having fewer families. The Minister Mr Azad, insists : If there is electricity in every village, then people will watch TV till late at night and then fall asleep. They won’t get a chance to produce children,”
Obviously he’s not a morning person. Mr Azad went on to say: “Don’t think that I am saying this in a lighter vein. I am serious. TV will have a great impact. It’s a great medium to tackle the problem . . . 80 per cent of population growth can be reduced through TV.”
Where he gets the figure of 80% from is a mystery. Presumbably he believes 8 out ten conceptions are the result of people having nothing better to do and I thought it was more like 100%.

The Human Body. Part 1 The Smell;

2009-07-02T13:25:00.000-07:00

"Deodorant research, its the pits" says nobel prize winner

Most living organisms give off a smell whether intentionally or unintentionally. Some animals use scent as an aid to sexual courtship, some use it as a deterrent to predators. The human being is possibly uniquely cursed in nature by having a smell that is an aid to predators and a deterrent to sexual courtship. Humans greatly dislike the smell of other humans and to a lesser extent themselves.

The secretion known as sweat is one of the body’s main tools to regulate its temperature. When sweat evaporates from the skin it removes excess heat. When bacteria on the skin and hair metabolise the proteins and fatty acids in sweat they produce an unpleasant odour. As a result of finding the odour this secretion gives off completely repellent, humans are obliged by social understanding and indeed by law in the American state of Mississippi to keep up a sufficient level of personal hygiene and scent application. As almost any physical activity results in this secretion also known as ‘sweat’ being released this process of washing and scenting is a constant and thankless struggle. It is however essential. In going to work and from work and working human beings will invariably be in close proximity with other humans. If the scent of a person’s body odour is detected in a closed environment it can cause other humans to experience huge discomfort. Firstly their eyes may water, a simulation of the crying technique humans employ to show real misery, the human may then start to feel weak and light headed and start to gasp oxygen into the system erratically as if trying to stock up on any clean air that may be left in their vicinity. If the scent is combined with gas emissions from other human orifices, a highly likely event given the amount of gas humans have to expel on a regular basis, this can make the other humans in the bus/train/office feel physically ill, and disorientated close to the point of collapse. Note in any group of humans larger than say 10 it is quite likely that at least one in the group has a particularly strong odour. It is possible this person is unaware of how badly their stench affects those around them having become somewhat immune to its effects, this only compounds the problem they create and such people must be avoided in closed environments at all costs.
As nose and mouth are the only means of inhaling oxygen, the human body has no means of blocking out unwanted air borne stenches for any serious length of time. The only question is in which way they should enter the body.

Coping Strategies:

Breathe through your mouth.

Avoid large and overweight humans as they secrete more sweat than others in general.

Avoid using public conveyances on a hot day; as sweat is used to cool the body more of it will be created in hot temperatures.

Carry a hand towel and deodorant with you everywhere you go to remove the smell of your own odour and also carry a gas mask about your person to filter your inhalation of oxygen to remove the smell of others.

Irreparably damage your nose in order to remove your sense of smell completely. Note while the sense of smell is rarely a benefit or necessary to humans it is a major component of their sense of taste which can be extremely pleasurable and useful and so this method would by and large be very counterproductive.

The Three Age Groups

2009-06-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

Getting old does funny things to a man

Human beings have many arbitrary forms of allegiance one of them is age. It can be so important to an individual’s identity to be different from the other generations that in some circumstances they would be horrified to be even seen in company with them. There are three main age groups.

The young age 0-25: they live in denial about death, are in a constant state of rebellion and discovery and have very little hard work to do, thus their amazing capacity for sitting around taking brain retarding drugs and generally misbehaving. Their main contribution to society comes from this unofficial medical and psychological research.

The workers age 25-65: they are often too busy to think about death because they have to work for material gain to support themselves and the lifestyles of the young and the old. This task is admittedly made slightly easier by the design of making old age a second childhood. If a worker is spoon feeding their child they might as well be spoon feeding their elderly parent at the same time.

The old age 65 and onwards: they do not have to do any work anymore. Nonetheless they are so depressed by what their children have done to the world they created they often look like they would happily fall down and die at any moment and are only staying alive out of pure stubbornness. They are characterized by a belief that society is getting slowly worse and worse, a belief that all stories about the past no matter how obscure or pointless are very interesting and a cast iron refusal to try any new food dishes, especially foreign ones.

Cities

2009-06-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

Humans either live in the country or the city. The country has lots of animals to stroke and eat and plenty of green, open spaces. The city also has lots of animals, unfortunately you cant eat or stroke any of them because they are vermin; rats and mice that carry disease and break into your house to steal food, or Pigeons who hang around in gangs in public places preying on naive tourists. Also unlike the country the city does not have many open spaces or pleasant greens. Possibly to make up for this fact city dwellers are obsessed with knocking down the walls in a building and making it ‘open plan’. No city dweller worth their salt wants to work in an office that is not ‘open plan’ or has not considered having a wall in their home ‘knocked through’ at some point in their lives to make an ‘open plan’ kitchen. To be fair things can get pretty crowded in a one bedroom city flat once a rat has moved in and without removing at least one wall there is no way the two of you will be able to turn round in there.

Before cities were set up it was common for visiting armies to rampage through the country destroying crops, stealing livestock, burning down homes and being rude to strangers. Humans found that by grouping together in large numbers and erecting some form of defensive structure such as high walls around themselves, {possibly with a sign up saying ‘Vikings Not Welcome’} they were better able to defend themselves and thus created the city. However nowadays in times of war, what with missile and artillery technology, having a large group of humans packed together in one small place is one of the surest ways of getting a large group of humans killed in one go, another way is telling everyone in a city there is a sale on at their local IKEA.

Cities are also notorious for high crime levels. If you are being attacked in a city street yell ‘fire’ instead of ‘help’. If people hear ‘help’ they will assume that someone else will deal with the problem. If you yell ‘fire’ people will be curious to see the inferno. They will also see the problem as one that could directly affect them if unstopped. Note: if they do come running and find you are actually being attacked instead, this may be slightly awkward at first. Also note to get a city dweller to do anything there has to be something in it for them.

Cities were also intended to help with economic efficiency. They have had complete success with social efficiency as everyone in a city is now too busy to talk to anyone but financially it’s been more mixed. Some make fortunes in the city some live in poverty all their lives. Greater efficiency can mean greater unemployment, which when coupled with the increased access to drink and drugs can make some parts of the city pretty inefficient indeed.
If you are lucky enough you could use the cities resources to make a fortune and then move out. This is the classic English approach to their capital city of London. London is more like a geographical vortex than a city; no one knows where it begins or ends but people come from all over the world to London in the hope of earning enough money to live somewhere else. It has long been the attitude of the English that success is defined by a persons ability to live outside London and only go ‘to town’ under the most pressing of engagements.

Coping Strategies
Some people try to have the best of both worlds by ‘commuting’ i.e. living in the country and working in the city. In many cases this leads to the worst of both worlds and a feeling of being very, very tired all the time.

Queues- because sometimes life's not short enough.

2009-06-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

In early times queues were seen as a novelty.

One of the most frustrating parts of everyday life on earth is the fact that humans will invariably have to stand one in front of the other in a line in order to receive goods, services, and carry out various business transactions. This process is called queuing. Humans also find that even moving from one place to another can lead to queues as other people will often be traveling in the same direction by the same means. Its incredible that despite the amount of technological and human resources dedicated to servicing humans needs instantaneously and no matter where a human may be going or what a human may be buying be it a pint, ice cream, or scuba diving gear they will inevitably not be the first person at that point in time on that day to have that idea. Even if the human is not there in person to queue they still often find themselves in a queue on the telephone or the Internet. There will be nothing for it but to form a queue and wait….and wait…

The queue takes on a social significance because it happens to everyone. Some societies pay closer attention to the unwritten rules of queuing than others but it is generally accepted by most humans that the queue should work on a first come, first served basis regardless of race, religion, creed or status.

For those societies that pay almost sacred regard to the law of the queue attempting to get served before a person who has been waiting a longer time than you is to imply that you are somehow a better, more worthy human being than them; their sexual, intellectual, physical and social superior. If a person accidentally obtains service before someone else who has been waiting longer they may be politely reminded of the queues order, they may be aggressively insulted as to the arrogance of their nature, or they may be completely unaware as they obtain said pint, ice cream or scuba diving gear that the person in the queue behind them would gladly see them choke on the pint or the ice cream or even help them choke on the scuba diving gear if there were fewer witnesses.

Coping strategies

The best advice is to get their early or pre- book where ever possible.
If you have the options it’s always best to queue in the comfort of your own home via Internet or telephone.
Generally people find their elbows and arms in packed queues are good tools for queue burrowing.
If the queue is taking place in person tall friends are good allies, but the best are beautiful blond women with large breasts, in fact just beautiful women in general have an immense power over the average queue.

Politics and Family - "But why?.... Because I said so"

2009-06-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

'When it comes to a good game of musical chairs politicians never grow up.'
In order to deal with large problems humans find it necessary to form large groups. Unfortunately it’s impossible to get a group of humans to all agree on anything unless it’s how much they disagree with another group of humans. Many different systems of government have been used to try and compensate for this condition. None of them worked. So they tried democracy. As Churchill stated, quite literally, democracy is the worst form of government ever tried, except for all the others. If a large group needs to come to a decision then every member has a vote on what should happen or who should lead them and it is the opinion with the most votes that is put into action, therefore a unanimous decision is not necessary. The most essential elements to a modern democracy are;

1. Free and fair elections.

2. A free media so that the people who voted for the other side can complain and remind us of that fact ad nausea.

3. A rule of law that guarantees all those accused of any crime a fair trial, under law created by elected officials, exercised by a court and judge acting independently of those officials, operating with all citizens accountable and equal before it {except for the President or the Queen or Diplomats or people who can afford much better lawyers than everyone else or.., well as stated the systems not perfect yet}.

If democracy is the best method humans have found for running a society the best method they have found for raising their children to prepare them for such a society is anything but democratic.

This is an actual transcript of a parent child conversation.

Parent: Didn’t I say you had to be back by nine?

Child: But I am only half an hour late.

Parent: Nine means nine.

Child: But all my friends are allowed out till ten.Parent: Well you’re not so I’m afraid you’re grounded for tomorrow night now go to you’re room without dinner.

Of course in a fair trial a person cannot be prosecuted or judged by their parents and yet as we see here parenting actually consists of very little else. It’s nearly all a process of prosecution and judgment. ‘What are you up to? Where are you going? What are you doing with that?’ These are the prosecuting questions children hear all the time followed by the summary judgements; ‘Get down. Get up. Get out. Put that down. Go to your room. Stop it. Be quiet.’ and we allow this desecration of jurisprudence and silence of free speech to take place in family homes on a daily basis. As if that were not bad enough the parent in question is both prosecution and judge and will often pronounce an arbitrary punishment that is both cruel and {outside the confines of the family} unusual. Not even murderers are sent to their punishment without dinner, even if it is their last meal. Attempts at mitigation and appeals to the democratic majority of their friends are useless for the child. What’s more the child is never offered a professional defense counsel who could represent them in an argument or ask for an out of home settlement. The child more often than not is forced to admit their guilt in this show trial against the blackmail of further punishment and only offered the ultimate solipsism as explanation: ‘Because I said so.’

Coping Strategies: A child can now divorce their parents and apply to a court to have their status as legal guardians removed making the child a ward of the state or the court until suitable arrangement can be made. This really should be a last resort by desperate children and yet is more commonly used as a first resort by greedy child stars that want all their money for themselves.