Round up of Strange News

Making use of the element of surprise and the unexpected was a theme in today’s international news. David Milliband MP, the British Foreign Minister, who has absolutely no military experience whatsoever, was used by the administration to make a comment on morning T.V. with regards military strategy. This bold move was followed by the even bolder comment that equipment was not the answer in Afghanistan. He stated that: ‘We’re not going to be able to do our mission in Afghanistan through tanks and helicopters alone.’’ Unfortunately the British government are also sending fewer troops than the army requested so they probably won’t be able to ‘do’ the mission with troops either. So if you take out equipment and troops…. you’re left with rations. Force feeding the enemy is a somewhat surprising tactic for a military offensive but.. British food being what it is?

One military that will be relieved to hear that equipment is not the answer is the Indian. After a deregulation on equipment purchase rules the Indian army have invested in ‘Dhruv helicopters that can fly to a height of only 5,000 metres (16,400ft) — well short of the 6,500 metres required to patrol the Himalayan battlefields. Thousands of Russian-made heavy artillery shells that do not fire… and the Northern Command, which oversees Kashmir, bought stretchers that were unsuitable for evacuating combat casualties.’A stretcher unsuitable for evacuating combat casualties really is a bit of a lemon, I guess they can always be used as hammocks in peace time. I would say that someone saw them coming but that surely is not possible as the Indian army also spent ‘10 million rupees (£127,000) on silent reconnaissance vehicles for missions beyond enemy lines’. Unfortunately it was revealed that these were in fact ‘22 golf buggies, several of which were deployed to patrol the army’s Shivalik Golf Course in Chandigarh.’ Yes well…there is a daring logic here after all if you are doing reconnaissance behind enemy lines the last thing they will expect is for you to turn up in a golf buggy.

Speaking of unexpected Trojan horses. ‘He was here because he thought this was the last place they would look for him,"said Sabine Haddad, a spokeswoman for the Israeli Interior Ministry. She was of course referring to Micky Mayon and American neo-nazi and suspected member of the Klu Klux Klan who had gone to Tel Aviv on the lamb. Apparently he had already been kicked out of the N.A.A.C.P. central office, for loitering. Why he didn’t stick with the traditional under a white sheet surrounded by lots of the people under white sheets tactic for hiding, employed by cowardly, pathetic, impotent American racists for centuries is still a mystery however racists aren’t famous for their intelligence, surprisingly.

Finally a man named Hogg who breeds… pigs…. of all things, has got so tired of waiting for the Irish Department of Agriculture to pay him compensation after he had to destroy a contaminated herd last year that he is doing the last thing they expected. He is suing himself. Actually he is suing his own firm to be precise. You see Hogg owns Hogg’s Hogs. Hogg’s Hogs bought feed from, well I think their called ‘The Hogg Feed Company that Hogg’s Hogs Feed On Ltd.’ Anyway this feed company is also owned by Hogg and he is suing them because they, that is he, sold him, that is he himself, a batch of feed that contaminated the hogs at Hogg’s Hogs and therefore they, that is he, is guilty of breach of contract, to himself. In this way he imagines he will get the compensation he so richly deserves, though somehow not from himself. Anyway the upshot is Hogg believes the ministry are playing ‘hardball’ and so he decided to play hardball back although now it kind of looks like he is just playing with himself.

All news stories courtesy of The Times.